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#4 | 09/08/2019
Summer was a whirlwind of emotions and other tough shit I've had to deal with.
Can't really describe it well, but I guess it was one of the least pleasant summer vacation I've ever had. I got jealous of others, including my friends since I felt that they could talk to other people so well. Hell, I was too afraid to talk to anyone, and yet that alone slowly rotted me from the inside.
It's a disgusting feeling to have, and I've had it for many years now. I couldn't tell if I was being a good friend or not, especially considering the fact that I didn't know what else to talk other than OCs or UTAU. Talking about personal matters was off the table for me because I feared that it would make them uncomfortable. Even if I had enjoyed having conversations with my friends, whether it was online or in real life, I still felt empty. As if it wasn't enough. I kept whining and whining about it, but I kept these feelings and emotions to myself because I didn't want to upset others.
And yet that also destroyed me from the inside.
All these heavy thoughts and emotions I tried to keep to myself went so uncontrollable that I ended up breaking down. Not only in front of my friends, but also my family. I was venting to them about my social anxiety and how it prevented me from growing more friendships in general, and how I was afraid of everyone because I felt that I was annoying to them. When I was assured that the friends I have wouldn't be like that and so forth, it completely changed my perspective of things.
From that point on, I've let go all of my grudges and jealousies, making new goals to better myself. I want to talk to my friends more instead of trying to be alone, and I want to overcome my fears of what people think about me.
Well! I didn't mean to start off this post with an emotional vent, but it was worth letting the steam out anyway. It's my diary after all.
And now, onto the main part. The following list is pretty much the goals I have in mind so that I can become a better person in general, as well as projects I've yet to work on. Even if it'll take many years to complete, it'll be worth it in the end!
- To start talking to my friends more (whether it's in DMs or in a mutual server)
- To discuss topics other than UTAU and OCs as much as I can (like! I want to discuss personal matters and such when it comes to friends without crossing the line)
- To stop keeping dark thoughts to myself and instead seek for help, whether it's friends and whatnot
- To no longer self-depecrate myself and think positively from now on
- To stop dwelling in toxic places and move on from them
Project-related (?) Goals
- To finish plotting the third arc of my story and starting the chapters when I'm done plotting
- To revamp my online shop and sell more goods (e.g. Redbubble)
- To make solid profiles of my other OCs and put them on my site
- To launch my undisclosed novel project in the next few years (it's currently a pet project at the moment)
It's a small list for sure, but it's subject to change once I have more goals in mind. :D